I like watches. The look and feel of a sparkly chunk of metal strapped around my wrist makes me feel (and look) like a hundred bucks. Plus tax.So you can imagine my happy surprise when I recently learned that Smith and Wesson -- which according to its website is in the business of "designing and manufacturing innovative solutions that are unparalleled in the field of personal safety and protection" -- is also hocking its own sharp-shooting timepieces. Below, for example, is the Smith and Wesson S.W.A.T. Watch, which I'd wager is worn more by wannabe commandos than the real professionals.
Of course, Smith and Wesson is really known worldwide for its 157-year history of making and selling guns. (As opposed to "innovative and unparalleled solutions in the field of personal safety and protection." That was a good one, eh?)
Smith and Wesson's mega-zillions in gun sales span from its Old West heritage of gunfighter classics to its modern-day line-ups of assault rifles, semi-automatic pistols and revolvers, and its awesome metal mountains of well-used and discarded Saturday Night Specials, piling up into the gunsmoked heavens.
As such, let's correct the company's hamhanded, PR-pooped deceivery. I hereby submit to Smith and Wesson's CEO and board of directors that the new and truthful company description on its website and other PR/branding materials be changed to:
Smith and Wesson's mega-zillions in gun sales span from its Old West heritage of gunfighter classics to its modern-day line-ups of assault rifles, semi-automatic pistols and revolvers, and its awesome metal mountains of well-used and discarded Saturday Night Specials, piling up into the gunsmoked heavens.
As such, let's correct the company's hamhanded, PR-pooped deceivery. I hereby submit to Smith and Wesson's CEO and board of directors that the new and truthful company description on its website and other PR/branding materials be changed to:
"For 157 years, Smith and Wesson has designed and manufactured guns that have the specific function of killing and maiming human beings. Who knows how many people have been killed with our guns? But you can bet it's a staggeringly gigantic number that is far larger than the number of American casualties in any U.S. war. Our hunting rifles and shotguns also kill people, but have mostly been used to shoot animals."
Speaking of Smith and Wesson's executive stewardship, CEO Michael Golden has done much to extend the company's well-recognized brand name into numerous other profitable product lines, everything from venison smokers to bicycles and ... yes, it's true ... men's cologne. (And watches, which we'll get back to soon.)
The Smith and Wesson Cologne bottle depicted here, by the way, costs a mere $49.95 and is described by the company as: "Igniting Smith and Wesson fragrance in a solid glass 3.4 fluid oz. spray bottle with the heavyweight Zamak metal cap, this bottle has the perfect fit for the large metal frame."
(Cologne that ignites with a heavy cap from a large metal frame? I bet this fragrance just kills.)
And that's a big 'ol Smith and Wesson 460 XVR Extreme Velocity Revolver Magnum that Mr. Golden is wheezing and struggling to hold up in the fetching photo above. (If Clint ever does a new, geriatric-version Dirty Harry flick, this could be his new toy. But, in all likelihood, the dinosaur detective would still blast his '70s-era vintage Smith and Wesson .44 Magnum. It was "the most powerful handgun in the world," remember?)
Mr. Golden has a lot to smile about these days. In addition to Smith and Wesson's expanded product offerings, the company is enjoying the ig'nant spoils of the uprising of uneducated teabaggers and assorted gun nuts who continue to stockpile weapons and ammo in response to the gun-confiscating federal storm troopers who are on the way to your town. Right now. (Seriously, they're coming and they will kill you and your family if you don't surrender your guns.)
Quick bit of trivia: In 2004, Smith and Wesson Chairman James Joseph Minder had to step down scandalously because published reports revealed he spent at least 15 years in the joint in the 1950s and 1960s for armed robberies, a bank heist and an attempted prison break. He was known to brandish a sawed-off shotgun.
Anyway, back to the watches.
You see, Smith and Wesson has these various watch models for "public safety" groups, such as the Police Watch, the Firefighter Watch, the Soldier Watch, the Special Ops Watch, the S.W.A.T. Watch and ... get ready for the kicker ... the Paramedic EMT/EMS Watch, which has the EMT logo printed on the dial face.According to the eBay listing, this watch is "made to honor the brave paramedics and EMTs ... and to serve with precision, too!"
I wonder if any paramedics presently rushing to and fro amid America the Beautiful's unceasing carnage (276 gun deaths and injuries a day, is the most recent statistic) are wearing these very special, honorary Smith and Wesson watches?
If so, do you think they realize the rich irony as they roll up on routine shooting scenes, frequently endangering their own lives in still-armed, explosive situations?
Maybe. Maybe not.
But you get it.
Right?
